›The Ebb and Flow of Family
Oct 05 2007
I’m not an only child, but I may as well have been. My brother and sister are much older and weren’t really a part of my childhood. For most of my youth, it was just my mom and me. We moved around quite a bit for her job, so we didn’t have much extended family around either. We visited my grandparents and aunts at the holidays. While my grandfather was alive everyone did a pretty good job of getting together once a year. But after his death, that sort of faded out of fashion. Everyone started to focus on their own families. I’ve always thought that was really unfortunate, but now as I’m starting my own family, I understand that it is a natural shift.
My husband’s family still attempts to get together a few times a year, even since the grandparents have passed. Brian’s mom’s family has an early Christmas gathering each year, which we will hopefully be attending this year for the first time since we’ve been married! On his dad’s side, there is a concerted effort to keep a tradition of family gatherings going, but it seems to be increasingly difficult. The parents are now grandparents and it seems that gatherings stem from grandparents vertically, not laterally. One’s brothers and sisters are less important once grandbabies come onto the scene. I guess it is human nature to look forward, not backward. Perhaps the varying degrees of success have to do with the family’s background as well. His mom comes from a big farm family, so that idea of having everyone together is more important. His dad’s family is smaller, and so I suppose they grew up used to the idea of smaller gatherings.
Most of Brian’s childhood was spent close to all of his extended family. Then his parents moved him and his sister out east, and he only saw the extended family once a year. He understands both the struggles and the benefits of that move. It was hard going from having that huge support network to just being reliant on each other. But at the same time, it brought the four of them closer together.
I’ve always thought that when I had children I wanted to be close to family so that my kids would understand the importance of having family. But here we are, halfway between both our families and close to neither. We were discussing last night our travel plans for the holidays and the challenges with me being pregnant. And I realized that the challenges are just beginning. Travelling with an infant is difficult; travelling with a toddler is impossible! Brian’s view on the whole thing is that the ones who care about us will make the effort to come see us. I guess it is true to some extent. But there are those who cannot physically come to visit us, such as my grandmother. I feel a sense of loss that we won’t be seeing much of her anymore. Just when I want the love and support of my family the most, we’ll be seeing them less. It’s ironic.
Ever optimistic, Brian pointed out that we have really great neighbors and friends with children, and they will be able to help us out. This is true, and it is important to count our blessings. Perhaps I will loosen my definition of family. It takes a village, right? Most importantly I know that Brian and I have each other to count on.
Looking forward, I see that the most important family is the one you create. My grandmother still talks to her surviving brothers and sisters, but the family that really matters to her is the one she created: her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. The family that you come from you gives you life, tradition, and heritage. But the family you create makes you know what it is to be alive. As you get older, you lose your grandparents, parents, perhaps brothers and sisters, friends. But life is continuously anew. It is no wonder we focus more on the life that comes from us. How inspiring to see new beings lighting up the face of the earth. We are their heritage.