White Orchid Melody

I had a nice breakfast friday, with some friends with whom I’d worked at May Co.  We got to talking about how different our lives are now versus when we were working.  We were all making quite a bit of money, especially by midwestern standards.  But we were all equally miserable.  Where did all that money even go?  I can’t believe how much I spent on clothes and shoes and crap for the house.  A bunch of stuff I really didn’t need.  And I probably wasn’t as bad as most people.  But it was like a compulsion.  I’d go to a store and feel like I HAD to buy something.  It was a way of filling the void left by an abusive workplace.  We were so degraded there.  There was constant criticism.  Our VP even admitted once that they were so negative and hard on us because they truly believed we wouldn’t work as hard if they gave us praise.  Wow, hard to believe that company went out of business!  Anyway, all three of us are on different career paths now.  We could have gone and gotten fashion jobs making as much or more than we were at May, but we opted out of that whole scene.  We were all really burnt out and bitter and our self esteem had suffered.  We each realized that the money just wasn’t worth that. So even though our household incomes had been basically cut in half after quitting, we were much happier.  And the interesting part was that our standards of living hadn’t really changed.  All that money was pretty much down the drain to make up for our misery at work.  I think a great deal of Americans fall into that pattern of rewarding themselves for putting up with an awful job, whether it is through shopping, drinking, or whatever addictive entertainment makes those 40+ hours a week tolerable. And why? For an illusion of security?  Because working a 9-5 (or so) is a guaranteed paycheck?  Well tell that to all those who’ve unexpectedly lost their jobs due to mergers and consolidations.  There is no such thing as job security; it’s like Santa or the Easter Bunny.  Of course, sometimes a job is necessary.  Somebody has to bring in the money to pay the bills.  The point of my reflection on my working days is that they were a big waste of my time because of how I spent my money.  I should have been stashing away as much of my paycheck as possible to pay off student loans and for savings.  At least that would have some tangible benefit for the future.  If I had to have a job again, I would look at things very differently.  I would make sure I was maximizing my income and using it in the absolute smartest way possible.  It never makes sense to say “I deserve this because I work so hard.”  If you wouldn’t buy it if you didn’t have the job, you shouldn’t buy it at all.  Reward yourself by building a nest egg that will either let you retire from your job early, or maybe just quit altogether and pursue a different path.  But realize that spending your money by shopping for things you really don’t need or by eating out all the time or by going to happy hour every friday won’t solve the problem at hand.  That is just treating the symptoms, not what is causing them. 

I’ve been reading a book that I checked out from the library entitled, The Complete Tightwad Gazette.  It is basically a series of newsletters from the 6 year run of the Tightwad Gazette.  It is a compilation of articles and research from the author, as well as lots of helpful hints sent in from readers. 

The tips tend to be about getting the maximum use out of the minimum expense.  So, buying things used (or getting them free from friends/family) and then maintaining them rather than just throwing them out when they need a repair.  This is fiscally and ecologically sound advice.  I once read an article by a “green” home designer who pointed out that spending extra money for “green” was absurd because the most economical choice was usually also the most ecological choice, such as building a smaller house.  The author of the Tightwad Gazette, who titles herself, the “frugal zealot” points out that there are a few cases where buying new is best, such as with freezers/refrigerators (due to improvements in efficiency) and with computers (due to improvements in technology).  But almost everything else, she buys used or salvages from free sources. 

This got me thinking about my business plan for the shop I’d like to open.  I’m working with a consultant on this and have written the business plan and even did a “faux shopping” exercise where I priced out everything I’d need for the shop.  Well, turns out it was going to be much more expensive than I could afford to open.  So, I have a few choices.  One, abandon the idea altogether and find something more attainable.  Two, save up for years and years until I can afford it.  Or, three, find a way to do it cheaper.  I’ve been pondering over that last option for a few months now.  How can I make this happen sooner and for less cash?  I wasn’t really thinking about the business when I started reading this book, but then I read an article in the book about a lady who had started a bed and breakfast.  They bought the 20 room Victorian as a fixer-upper and started by renovating the common areas and a few guest rooms.  As they brought in money from the first few guest rooms, they worked on renovating more.  Meanwhile, they furnished the place with elegant pieces from estate sales, yard sales, flea markets and the like.  They also bartered and traded for certain items.  They had a dream and made it happen on their terms.  How inspiring! 

So it got me thinking about my “faux shopping” exercise.  I’d chosen everything brand new from retail sources.  I’d found the cheapest versions for the look I wanted, but still, I was paying a premium for all that “newness.”  What if I took the time to accumulate the items from a variety of thrifty sources, including yard sales and thrift shops?  How would that affect my budget?  I think it could make a huge difference.  Some of the ideas that appealed to me:

1.  Estate/Yard Sales - tables, chairs, storage pieces, baskets, kid’s paint brushes, decorative items such as faux foliage, flatware, serving dishes, books

2.  Flea Markets - decorative items, furniture

3.  Building Supply (or surplus) Stores - the ReStore, run by Habitat for Humanity, has a random, ever-changing selection of building supplies, from tile to cabinets, to windows.  Some of these items could be transformed into storage and display pieces for the shop.

4.  Home Improvement Stores - reject paints: the ones that people had mixed and then didn’t claim, or that were mixed incorrectly.  This could be great for adding color and fun to the salvaged furniture. 

5.  Other - I’d also like to look into going out of business sales and overstock type outlets.  I’m not sure what exists in this area, but even a trip to Chicago could be worth it, if there were some good sources for used/discount supplies.

The biggest chunk of change in my business plan was the rent on a space.  The area I was originally looking into was fairly expensive and buying was not an option.  But I’ve been considering other neighborhoods, such as close to our own home, where we might be able to purchase as space, rather than leasing.  Ideally, we’d find an old building with storefronts on the lower level and apartments above.  We could rent the apartments to cover some of the mortgage, which would ease some of the business expenses.  Plus if you own the building, you can build out however you’d like. 

We’re not the average entrepreneurs who would need contractors and such to fix up and outfit a space.  That will be a great savings on our part.  If we own the building and are getting rental income from residential space, we can take our time fixing up the retail space without the pressure of that monthly rent outlay.  So the combination of buying our own building and outfitting it with frugal finds gives me hope that my dream of opening the shop in the not so long term future may actually be possible.

Personal development is an ongoing process throughout one’s life.  No one is ever a perfect display of everything for which they have potential.  A few virtues I’d like to expand upon in the new year are gratitude, structure, and diligence. 

1.  Gratitude

In our world of manic consumption, many of us never take the time for simple gratitude.  Are we grateful for what we have, or distracted by our constant quest for more?  I think sometimes it is a challenge to see the bright side of life when everything seems to be going wrong.  It is easier to focus on the problems and complain about everything.  But if you take a moment to evaluate all the things that comprise your life, you quickly recognize that not everything is bad.  In fact, most of life is pretty good.  There are probably just one or two things creating a black cloud over the rest.  So instead of focusing on the storm clouds, look at everything that needs the rain to survive. 

2.  Structure

I have struggled with structure since leaving the corporate world.  Everything was so structured there, I rebelled against all of that when I quit working.  I’m a natural procrastinator anyway, which doesn’t help.  Some people thrive on structure and organization.  I’m a bit more free flowing than that.  I can work like crazy under a deadline, but in my daily life, I prefer to be a bit more relaxed about things.  The problem with this is I’m sometimes not as productive as I could be.  And then there’s the procrastination issue.  The things I don’t want to do, don’t get done for a very long time, such as filing.  I like to have things neat and organized and know where they are, but I really hate to file.  The best solution is to file as I go, and not let things pile up.  I’m not very good about that, but I’m trying to improve.  In reality, things are about to get much more structured for me.  The baby will be on a certain feeding/sleeping cycle which I’ll have to work with and not against.  So, I’m trying to practice a more structured approach to my day now, before I’m forced into it!

3.  Diligence

This goes hand in hand with structure.  The dictionary defines diligence as: constant and earnest effort to accomplish what is undertaken; persistent exertion of body or mind.  I can be very diligent about some things.  I ran a marthon, which took a persistent exertion of body and mind, during both training and the actual feat.  But in other areas, I let my doubts (see point 1) or my procrastination (see point 2) get the best of me.  This is particularly true in my business endeavors.  Working on your own requires a great deal of discipline and confidence in order to persist.  I tend to get discouraged and question my path.  “Is this really the best use of my time?”  Often I’m asking that question far too soon in the process when it is easy to answer “no.”  There are no guaranteed results for anything.  But through a diligent effort, one may find that they have at least exhausted the possibilities. 

In summary, I hope to have a brighter perspective of life and be grateful for all my blessings.  I seek to cultivate a more structured and productive approach to daily life.  And I will exercise my capacity for diligence to follow through with opportunities that may cross my path, without letting fear deter me.  I’m sure there are many other virtues I could improve upon in my life, but these I feel will cultivate a happier outlook and a stronger sense of well-being.

Further to my New Year’s Resolutions, I have some that are about finishing what I’ve started.  I guess that could be a good umbrella goal “finish what you start.”  Seems simple enough, but life and boredom often interfere with good intentions.  I have a couple of craft projects that have been going on for over a year, several years in fact.  It is time to get them done!  Brian laughed at me when he saw that I was giving myself a whole year to complete them, but when it has been 3 years already, another year doesn’t seem so long!

I have a sweater that I started knitting out of this beautiful baby alpaca yarn.  It is so soft and cuddly.  I figured if I was going to take the time to hand knit a sweater, it should be really nice.  And it will be.  If I ever get it done!

The second project on my list is a quilt.  

Great-Grandmother Sparks Tulip Quilt

My tulip pieces

A completed tulip square 

This is a more significant project.  I have an old quilt that was made by my great grandmother, whom I never knew.  Even though I didn’t know her, the quilt is one of my most prized possessions.  It is one of the things I’d grab if my house caught on fire.  In honor of her handiwork, I decided to make a replica.  Well, not an exact replica, but a quilt out of the same pattern.  I traced off the shapes and made pattern pieces.  The original quilt is pretty small, might fit a twin size bed, good for just cozying up.  My version will fit a queen size bed.  So, that was a bunch of pieces to cut out.  The pattern is a tulip shape, where four tulips make a square.  All the squares are different colored tulips, so it is very bright and fun.  I have all of my tulips sewn, but I need to cut out some more of the surrounding pieces.  Then I’ll have to sew up the pieces into squares.  Once all the squares are complete, I need to decide how I want them arranged and then piece the squares.  Then the big fun begins, backing, batting, and the actual quilting.  The original is hand quilted and I’m planning to do the same.  We’ll see if that happens in a year!  Very few people hand quilt any more.  We received several “homemade” quilts for our baby and only one was cut and pieced, and none were hand quilted.  But part of what is so special about my great grandma’s quilt is the imperfect stitching.  So, that is one characteristic I’d like to preserve in my interpretation.

I really should have a plan and timeline for completing these projects.  But those sorts of constraints tend to work against my creative urges.  (hence why its taken years to get only partially through these projects)  But maybe I’ll have some quarterly deadlines for progress anyway, just so it isn’t thanksgiving and I’m trying to complete a quilt and a sweater in a month!

New Year’s Resolutions are an interesting thing.  They are notoriously broken or forgotten about.  It was interesting just working at the Y last year, seeing all the people sign up at the new year and within a few months fall by the wayside.  I think the issue is that one day doesn’t change who you are or alter your well ingrained habits.  I think desires change as well.  I wanted to post some of my resolutions or goals for the year in a series this week, starting today with our financial goals.

We had a list of goals for 2007, most of which were not met.  I don’t feel bad about that because there were other priorities.  For example, one of the things was to buy another investment property.  But we’ve had a vacant unit for 6 months, so obviously it wouldn’t be prudent to buy another property until our cash flow is better.  That goal is on the list again for this year though.  I think we’d both like to find a property that doesn’t require as much work however.  With a baby we won’t be able to go through the same labor intensive process anyway.  And honestly, I question how much our labor paid off.  On our last building, we finished the work and started the refinance process expecting a certain appraisal.  The appraisal came in low due to the appraiser being overly conservative and running comparables against buildings that weren’t comparable.  Because of that, we weren’t really rewarded for our labor in terms of being able to extract cash for repaying the fix up costs, much less having cash for another purchase.  It was a very frustrating experience.  So, for the next building we may be looking for something that just requires some paint and primping up.  With the market down, we may actually be able to find something that is in decent shape and has cash flow.  Anyway, it’s on the goal list again, so we’ll see what happens. 

Also on my list is to re-read and actually do the exercises from Your Money or Your Life.  I’d checked it out from the library and read it, but I wanted Brian to read it too.  I think the exercises are best if done together as a couple.  So, I bought it for him for Christmas (but I guess it was for both of us).  Anyway, I think we’ll read a chapter at a time together and go through and do the exercises.  I think it would help to bring us where we need to be with our finances.  Not that we really have any issues looming, but with a growing family it will be easy to let expenses slip in here and there.   I guess I’d just like to have a better mental grasp on everything. 

Along with streamlining our finances and saving money, we’ll continue to simplify our life as much as possible.  Brian has been going through the basement pulling things to post on craigslist.org.  He’s sold a couple of things so far.  Whatever doesn’t sell there will be in a big yard sale this spring/summer.  Then whatever is left will be off to Goodwill.  I’d like to purge as much as possible.  A person really needs very little.  We have all sorts of crap we don’t use.  We’ve even talked about moving into a smaller place, a two family unit perhaps, to motivate us to downsize further.  It would actually be nice to get rid of so much junk that the house would feel too big and then move to a smaller space.  That would be more efficient than moving and then trying to deal with whatever didn’t fit!  Either way — whether we stay here or move into a smaller place, it will be nice to have less stuff around.  The other compelling aspect of moving into a two family would be the financial benefit.  Right now we have equity tied up in our home that we could be using to generate cash flow from an investment property, and we also have a mortgage payment.  With a two family, that equity could be transferred into an investment, and while one apartment wouldn’t pay the full mortgage, it would pay a good bit of it.  That would free up cash for us to pay off our student loans faster.  I am very grateful for my education, but it is amazing what a burden those student loan payments are!  It would be nice to have those paid off as soon as possible.  Then once we had the student loans paid off and that cash free, we could consider a single family home again.  I don’t know how likely that scenario is; we are both pretty comfortable in our house.  But it is under consideration.  It is important to think outside the box and challenge preconceived notions about what you really “need.”  Resolving to continue simplifying means constantly asking yourself whether all the stuff in your life adds value or just drains resources. 

I finished reading Your Money or Your Life.  Now I’ll go back, reread, and apply the techniques.  There was a chapter on defining work that got me thinking.  One of the concepts was to take the pressure off finding the perfect job by realizing that the only thing you get from a job that you can’t get elsewhere is pay.  So, find a job with good pay and maximize the return on your time.  Meanwhile, you minimize expenses and increase savings until you have enough savings to produce passive income to cover all your expenses.  Then you can work your dream job without having to worry about how much money you make doing it. 

Well, I want to open my own shop and I’m torn on the timing of it.  Do I open it in the next year and use that to make money, or do I wait until we are financially independent to open it so that I don’t have to stress over whether or not it is making money?  According to this book, I should employ myself in whatever ways make the most money.  It is highly unlikely that a shop would bring me more money than some of the other things I’m qualified to do.  But, as a business owner there is an investment and potential return if you grow it into a successful endeavor and then sell it.  Having the shop without worrying about income is a comforting thought–the easy way out.  It lets you off the hook of having to work hard to market and grow the business.  It makes failure less scary.  Going out on your own while you and your family depend on your income is daunting.  That fear of failure looms large.  But successful people are those who are willing to take risks. 

I tend to overthink everything.  I want the planning completely done before I take a step.  Which means I don’t take many steps.  I find myself deliberating over whether I should pursue multiple paths to income or find a lucrative, yet tolerable full time job.  With a baby on the way, I lean away from any full time endeavor.  My fear on either path is that I won’t like what I choose and will have wasted the time and effort getting there.  Meanwhile, I waste all sorts of time with this internal dialogue, debating with myself.  I keep telling myself “just do it!”  But my brain keeps answering back, “do what?”  The answer is probably “anything.”  I guess I need motivation.  A reason to make the effort other than my own happiness since I’m capricious and happiness isn’t guaranteed.  Perhaps I could pursue any of the fifty different ways to make money with the goal of saving that money to open a shop.  At least then there is a fixed goal. 

I started reading Your Money or Your Life this week.  If you’ve done any reading about simple living, you’ve probably heard of it.  I must admit, I was a bit skeptical.  As I have mentioned before, I think frugality often goes hand in hand with a scarcity mentality.  So I was a bit wary of a book all about frugality.  But, I’ve been pleasantly surprised.  It’s actually much more in line with my views than I was expecting. 

It encourages you to align your spending with your values, through a system of tracking and charting.  I haven’t started any of the tracking yet, as I want to read through the whole book first.  I think Brian should read it too, then we could track how our spending relates to our values as a couple. 

The chapter I read last night asks you to redefine what “work” means to you.  A job is just “paid employment.”  The only thing you get from your job that you can’t get elsewhere is the “paid” aspect.  All those other reasons for going to work, social fulfillment, learning opportunities, time structuring, you can get from other sources.  The authors talk about how people search for a Mr. or Ms. Right Job like they would a significant other.  This puts pressure on people to have all their needs met in one place, which is impossible.  Even those who love their jobs don’t get all of their physical and emotional needs met there.  So, I guess the overall concept (though I’ve not finished the book yet!) is to reduce your spending to align with your values, start thinking of “paid employment” as what you do for money, and then, either work until you save enough to not have a job, or spend less time on your job so that you can spend more time now on the things that truly gratify you. 

One of the difficult parts of this for me is finding passion and value in my life outside of paid employment.  I hardly know what to do with myself without that….Obviously I wasn’t put on this earth to design clothes.  So what then?  Even with thinking of starting businesses you need a value base underneath that goes beyond your motivation to make money.  I’m still working on what that means for me.  I bought into the whole “go to college, get a great job, work hard, buy things” mentality really early.  It’s hard to break that now.  But I’m still young and so ahead of the game, I think. 

I’m grateful that Brian and I are figuring things out now.  We’ll be better parents for it, just knowing that there’s not one formula for success, but rather a system of trial and error.  I think it is really important to teach your children that it is okay to make a mistake, just learn from it and move on.  I’ve always been terrified of failing, which in turn makes one risk adverse.  I have lots of great ideas but have a hard time acting on them because of the fear of failure.  It isn’t always obvious that fear is the problem, sometimes it looks like there are a million other reasons.  But that psychological state of fear attracts all the obstacles into your path.  A self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts.  So, I think the book will be helpful in reevaluating what my values are and how that relates to what I earn money from and spend money on.  If you have a strong value based reason for pursuing a business endeavor, you are less likely to let fear block your way.

How can we live without a job?  I never even considered the possibility when I was younger.  I immediately assumed I’d go to college, choose a major, graduate, and get a job doing whatever it was I’d studied.  Isn’t that how things are supposed to work?  I’ve met very few people who’ve followed that path.  The wandering begins in college where the average student (at my alma matter, anyway) changes majors 8 times before graduation.  Guess things aren’t so clear cut after all.  Supposing one can finally pinpoint what it is they want to study, the variables continue after graduation.  First, are there jobs available in that area?  Second, do you really want to work at that type of job 40+ hours a week?  Third, can you support yourself on the amount of income that work provides?  These are all very real questions new grads must ask.  But what I think gets a lot of people is discovering after landing their dream job, that it isn’t all its cracked up to be. 

So then what?  Suffer along in the day to day grind?  Get another job that you may or may not enjoy?  I was in a fortunate position to be able to just opt out of the whole process.  That isn’t to say I haven’t worked.  I still do freelance work in my chosen “profession.”  But now I have time to explore other options.  I was given the opportunity to teach at a university part time, which is something I never in a million years dreamed I’d enjoy.  But I have enjoyed it quite a bit.  I’ve found I enjoy tutoring more than teaching however, as the latter involves all of the administrative functions I loathe.  It is, in fact, quite similar to the “corporate” world I left behind.  I do however enjoy helping people learn and understand things.  And I’ve grown as an individual by experiencing that side of myself.

I’ve discovered that you don’t actually need a “job” in the traditional sense of the word, to make a living.  I make a decent amount of supplemental income with my part time work.  If I had to make a full income, I could.  The point is to find things that you enjoy and figure out how you can make money from that.  I read somewhere that “your imagination has the solution to all your financial worries.”  If you do what you enjoy you are sending positive energy out into the world around you and that is exactly what you’ll get back. 

So, I try to identify things I enjoy.  I don’t always make the correlation between my enjoying an activity and its revenue generating potential.  But my husband is often quick to point it out (and I do the same for him).  For example, he’s convinced that I should create some templates for baby books like the one I’m making for us, so that I could market custom baby books.  He’s right.  People would probably pay good money to have their beautiful memories documented in a custom baby book.  Most new moms don’t have time for that sort of thing.  Especially if they have other children at home or work outside the home.  That is just one example of an opportunity to turn something you enjoy into something profitable. 

People sometimes find themselves in a career path they don’t enjoy and contemplate perhaps furthering their education so as to pursue other endeavors.  But I think the conversations they have with themselves are often limited to “higher” education.  Have a bachelor’s, get a master’s; have a master’s, get a doctorate.  Seldom do they consider lower levels of education, such as technical or trade studies.  But it could be just the thing.  Suppose you really enjoy gardening.  A landscaping certificate from the local community college is loads cheaper than a master’s degree in anything.  And your gift with purchase is the happiness and freedom of doing something you love.  It is still a job, but you are the boss.  Eventually it could grow into a true business with you training others and stepping away from the actual work into more of a management capacity.  But only if you want it to.  Depending on your financial needs, you may be content to just work solo.  That is the beauty of defining your own path.  It can take you wherever you want to go. 

I find myself caught between two ideologies at times.  The simple living idea often walks hand in hand with frugality.  It is that aspect of simple living that gives me pause at times.  It isn’t that I want to be frivolous.  But to me, frugality often implies scarcity.  I strive for an abundance mentality.  I think the two can work together, but at times it is difficult to get my head around it.  For example, I believe that wanting prosperity goes hand in hand with being able to save money, as opposed to spending every dime that comes your way.  But I think there needs to be balance.  If you focus all your energy on cutting costs, you are focusing on the scarcity side of things.  If you think that five bucks is a lot of money, then you’re probably not ever going to have five million.  Perhaps the key lies in where you focus that mental energy.  If you focus on growing your wealth, watching the balance of your savings account climb, then you are focused on the positive.  I often find myself going over our finances in my head thinking, “where can I cut costs?”  Maybe I need to start focusing on ways to increase income instead.  When I think, “oh, my we really spent a lot eating out last month,” am I sabotaging our finances with negativity?  Am I giving that relatively small amount of money unnecessary weight?  Am I mentally telling myself that $200 is a lot of money?  What would happen if I decided that $200 was not a lot of money, just change?  It is really an interesting concept.  There is a blog here about just that.  It is definitely worth the read. 

The part of simple living that really appeals to me is the idea of discretion.  Choosing your path and the physical world around you, rather than just accepting what everyone says is needed.  I’m really enjoying having just one vehicle, for instance.  And it isn’t that we can’t “afford” a second vehicle (although why spend money if you don’t have to!), rather it is just easier.  We don’t have to discuss which vehicle we are taking when going somewhere; we just get in and go.  We don’t have to keep up with maintenance and taxes and such on two vehicles (on two different schedules, no less).  I like the idea of letting go of mindless consumerism to really choose how you spend your dollar, which in the end, is your life energy.  You spend so much of your time making money, shouldn’t you carefully consider how you are spending it? 

I think that is the key when considering frugality versus an abundance mentality.  You must spend with discretion, not because you have a shortage of money, but because you want to pay yourself well for your efforts.  Money in and of itself is meaningless.  Its value lies in that for which it can be exchanged.  Here again, it is helpful to know your values and what is important to you in life.  If you value adventure and travel, then why spend $75 a month on cable when you could save it towards a great trip?  And if you are focused on the goal, then you are in a positive mental state, attracting an abundance of positive energy.  So, I guess the bottom line is to spend more time looking at your savings or investment account statements than at your bills;  and choose to spend your money on what is really important to you. 

Some of you may have read various books on the power of positive thinking, or the law of attraction.  The Law of Attraction states that what you focus on is what you create.  So if you focus on all your problems, you create more problems.  On the other hand, if you focus on what is great about your life, you’ll have more of the good things.  It is an interesting topic, I think, because it makes me wonder how much is real and how much is just perception.  For example, you buy a new car and all of a sudden there are cars just like yours everywhere.  There aren’t really more of those cars, you just pay more attention now.  But I think when your emotions are tied to something it goes deeper than just perception.  Energy attracts like forms of energy.  So when you dwell on the negative and your emotions are very strong about all the things you don’t like, you attract more of that negative energy.  So, how do we avoid focusing on the negative?  After all, you can’t just ignore your problems and hope they go away, right? 

The first step is to realize that problems are really just opportunities.  Even during the times we think all is lost we often end up being better off for the struggle.  I worked for a large corporation that “merged” with another.  It wasn’t really a merger, it was a take over.  Most of the people in our office got laid off.  What a tragedy, you might think.  But I’d venture to say that for 90% of the people there, it was a blessing.  It wasn’t exactly the most pleasant work environment, but the pay and benefits kept people around.  The layoffs forced people to get themselves out of a bad situation.  It is scary at first.  You think any job is better than being jobless and broke.  But we underestimate ourselves.  The company you work for is not the only company that could benefit from your talents.  For some of my coworkers it was an opportunity to work for a company that was more appreciative; for others it was an opportunity to pursue a different career path.  And then for others (like me) it was a chance to sit back and really figure out what they wanted their life to look like.  Inertia keeps people in bad situations far too long.  Sometimes life sends us an awful “problem” to remedy that.  The answer may not be obvious, but it at least forces us to consider other possibilities.
 
Once you realize that your problem is an opportunity, you can focus on finding a solution.  Don’t dwell on the problem.  You are just torturing yourself if you sit around thinking over and over again about how awful your situation is.  Why live like that.  Think about what an amazing opportunity lies in front of you.  Get creative.  Start brainstorming all the possible solutions out there. 

Lastly, be grateful for what you do have, for what is going right with you!  It is often a challenge to see the good in your life when something really difficult comes your way.  One way of getting in the habit of focusing on the positive is by starting a gratitude journal.  Each morning, when you wake up, or perhaps over breakfast, think of three things for which you are grateful.  Then, before you go to bed, write down something good that happened that day.  You’ll sleep better for it, going to bed with positive thoughts on your mind rather than dwelling on what went wrong or what didn’t get done that day.  So each day, you write down something different.  And if you are ever having a particularly rough time, you’ll have your journal of good thoughts to review.  That’s better than chocolate!